6 semaines et demi

This wee-end was a strange one, very strange one ...
First, to keep you posted, Annie and I are talking regularly.
After 3 weeks with no contacts, 3 days contacts, then 10 days with no contact we decided to talk again.
What is interesting is that while she was on holidays she did not need to talk to me, this is the coming back to the office which created the need ;-)
I am no blind, she is the same egoistic girl, and needs me in the office hence the renewed contact.
The first talk was very emotional, I think we both used 3 boxes of tissues or more.
We talked about our past relationship, what worked, what did not work.
It was very nice.
The second talk was not as nice, she mainly talked about why she decided to split.
I already knew it but in fact it was nice hearing it again, just so it sank a bit deeper and I can weight all the arguments.
I do not regret  the split, I do regret the way she did it and the 2 months before where we could have been smarter. The split was a good idea, and I do not want to go back to her.
On Saturday we had also a chat while she was travelling and I explained her in more details what happened and why. why I did not trust her and what we could have done.
I told her what I will change in future relationship, and I asked her what she would change.
Her answer was stunning.... She did everything she could ....
I know she does not like to feel guilty and she was in pain to feel she was.
But clearly she made up her mind now ;-)
On Sunday we had some exchange, limited,
For the first time since months she started the chat.
But then she answered most of the time with only one word.
She did not show any wish to know what I was doing nor any compassion.
She even asked me what is compassion (a good one !!)
What did I feel ?
Thursday's chat was good and released some pressure.
Fridays chat was painful but I  put words on some feelings
Saturday's chat was good, Thanks to my depression I have to walk the path of my pain, understand the  nodes and try to release them. I had made it on quite a few points but without putting word on them. Saturday I could.
Sunday was excruciating. Feeling like total strangers? But in fact we will become soon, and the sooner I accept it the better.
Sunday evening was very difficult for me so I buried myself in a book ("13 reasons why", a good book).
I slept well.
This morning the pain was still present but I do not need to look at my phone every 5 minutes nor do I want to send her messages every two minutes.
I manage to sever the links, slowly but surely.
Sure I am still depressed, I can laugh and the next sentence have tears in my eyes, but it is getting better.
I also practice something new, I have been shouting regularly to get the pressure out, I also decided to write all the nice things I feel about her and send the message (to myself). Looks like it is helping too.
I am not done yet, for sure, I still miss her many times a day. But I am moving forward.
I also decided to start renewing contacts with friends I did not see for a while.
And it is also a good prospect.


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